Money Problems?

Published in the September 2011 Issue September 2011 News

You know what this country needs more of? We could use more lawsuits. Seriously, I'm not joking. That's right, that may sound sarcastic, but this is a golden meal ticket that not enough people are taking advantage of today.

It makes me just shake with anger when I think back to my grandpa telling me the best way to get through life is to be honest and to work hard. What did he know? He never took anyone to court for free money. If he were alive today I could show him a thing or two about how to get ahead.

If you look around there are plenty of better role models to follow than those people who have broken their backs putting in an honest day's work and who got ahead in life by actually working for a living.

For example, Nicolette Archer is the ideal role model and she could very easily be my next hero. When her 15-year-old daughter Samantha was seriously injured while riding a WaveRunner on the Intracoastal Waterway in March of 2005, she went after the deep pockets. On the back of that PWC was her 14-year-old friend Jaysell Perez, who died in the accident.

She didn't bother to waste time suing Dr. Eugene Holly who owned the WaveRunner. That probably would have been a little awkward anyway since the family had just celebrated Easter Sunday by collecting colored eggs on his waterfront lawn. In fact, even though Archer and Perez allegedly falsely assured Dr. Holly they knew how to operate his WaveRunner and took off, the mother was smart enough to know Yamaha, the maker of the WaveRunner, was where the real money was.

It truly is sad that Perez lost his life that day after the PWC collided with a boat and that Samantha Archer sustained brain damage and suffers a multitude of physical problems from this accident. And it's true that you can't put a price tag on a human life. Oops, I stand corrected. You can put a price on a life. According to the jury, that price is $35 million! Had it been the Casey Anthony jury, she might have got an even $50 million.

Of course, let's not point fingers at the parents or the fact the two underage kids shouldn't have been riding in the first place. Or that taking a WaveRunner in busy holiday boating traffic, even when you know how to operate a PWC, is a bad idea. Instead, let's hire an attorney so we find blame somewhere else.

In my grandpa's day he probably would have just taken responsibility for his own actions for letting two under-the-legal-driving-age teens ride off without any supervision and just blamed himself instead of trying to milk a company for a quick payday. Man am I glad I don't live in that era. It's a lot easier just to take Yamaha to court.

Robert Baker, the attorney representing Samantha Archer (who also helped a maid "earn" $48.5 million off a BRP lawsuit when a 12-year-old died because of lack of warning labels on a borrowed PWC), said the tragedy occurred because of a steering problem with the PWC and blamed Yamaha for not fixing the 2001 model. See, I told you it was smart to get a lawyer. I never would have thought of that on my own.

My only real concern is that not everyone is willing to support this new way of life. Can't people see this is a once-in a-lifetime opportunity for this mother to get rich? Who are they to try and take her dreams away like that? This worked out better than any lottery I've ever played. It looks like gold digging and marrying old geezers is so 15-minutes ago. If only Anna Nicole Smith could have figured this out a little sooner.

Unfortunately, McDonald's already put a label on its coffee cups saying that it's hot, so they can't be sued again. But there has got to be another big company that I could go after, right?

  • Like what you read?

    Want to know when we have important news, updates or interviews?

  • Join our newsletter today!

    Sign Up
You Might Also Be Interested In...

Send to your friends!